HOW TO SURVIVE THE UNSPOKEN POLITICS OF THANKSGIVING

Step 1: Enter like a diplomat, not a descendant
You are not just visiting family. You are entering a geopolitical summit disguised as a dining room. Your objectives: maintain peace, preserve dignity, and secure leftovers. Shake hands, compliment the centerpiece, and surrender your coat like it’s a peace offering. If anyone mentions gas prices before appetizers, fake a sneeze and yell, “Allergies!” Then pivot to the cranberry sauce.

Step 2: Spot the danger zones
Politics hides in plain sight. It’s behind every innocent comment about “crime,” “college tuition,” or “that one neighbor who still has a Pride flag up.” Like landmines, you won’t see them until it’s too late. Sit between neutral parties: the cousin who just got braces and the aunt who only talks about Pilates. Do not (under any circumstances) sit near the uncle who begins sentences with, “Now, I’m not saying I agree with him, but…”

Step 3: Perfect the Olympic-grade nod
This is your most versatile move. When someone says, “I just think we need more common sense in Washington,” you nod as though they’ve just solved gravity. The nod should convey, “You may be onto something profound,” while internally, you’re thinking about whether you can microwave mashed potatoes. Bonus move: the “thoughtful chew,” where you take a slow bite just as someone expects you to respond. Works every time.

Step 4: Interrupt with chaos
When the table heats up, unleash distraction. Mention a celebrity divorce, or ask, “Wait, does anyone remember what happened to the McRib?” If the debate continues, escalate: “Okay, real question—if you were a Thanksgiving side dish, what would you be and why?” Suddenly, Uncle Tom is arguing that he’s mashed potatoes because he “holds the meal together,” and boom—politics are gone. You’re welcome.

Step 5: When cornered, volunteer for hard labor
The moment someone says, “Let’s hear what the younger generation thinks,” you are no longer part of this family. You are a dishwasher. Get up immediately. Announce, “I’ll get started on cleanup!” Do not wait for resistance. There will be none. The kitchen is Switzerland. It has running water, background noise, and plausible deniability. If they try to pull you back in, claim the gravy has congealed and needs “emergency whisking.”

Step 6: Master the passive-aggressive compliment
If avoidance fails, neutralize tension with gentle confusion:
“That’s an… interesting perspective!”
“You always have such strong opinions.”
“You should really start a podcast.”
Delivered correctly, these lines sound supportive while ensuring you never get invited to that follow-up debate about “the media.”

Step 7: Remember the mission: pie
You are not here to change minds. You are here for carbohydrates and family gossip. Thanksgiving debates are not battles. They’re marathons of restraint. Every awkward silence is a lap closer to dessert, where political differences dissolve under a blanket of whipped cream.

By the time someone inevitably says, “We should do this more often,” you’ll smile, fork in hand, and think: Once a year is plenty, thank you.